Sitting at my desk watching nature through our window…a Hawk chasing a squirrel trying to escape for dear life. A yellow finch knocking continually, without abandonment, on our window (this has been happening for days). Watching a red bird feed her babies in a pine close by…only to find out those sweet birds either flew away or were miraculously raptured. A chipmunk nibbling nervously on something he found to eat and enjoy. And the sounds. Leaves whispering their own sound as the breeze reaches their branch, birds humming a beautiful song, squirrels making sounds I’ve never heard before because I took time to listen. Our orange hammock hanging on a tree nearby blowing in the wind, a place to enjoy a good book and nap. I love this more than ever, a new incredible lease on life, seeing the beauty all around me. I was in a very dark place two years ago, and this kind of of beauty couldn’t be captured if I tried. I was paralyzed with fear and anxiety, trying desperately to pray through it and survive it. And now, here I am two years later, the miraculous hand of God again working in mysterious ways in my life. I’m forever grateful, there are no words to explain it. We serve an incredible God.
I mean it, I truly mean it when I say that I understand devastating anxiety that paralyzes your soul. It is real. I was there and know what it feels like to think as if this will never end, I was stuck in a deep dark pit. I felt like I was in Hell. I know this is something we don’t like to talk about, something we want to sweep under the rug and never bring up but we can’t do that if we want to survive. God sees where you are at even when you can’t feel him. If you are going through this type of feeling, please realize that you will survive it. Never ever give up, keep getting back up. Your break through is coming!
I came out strong. I wrote a book during this survival season, I’ve spoken to crowds, led bible studies stronger and better, I help lead Life Connections church and am breathing fresh air again. I work a stable and fun job and love life again. However, I don’t expect you to understand this next statement. There are times you can pray your heart out and not feel God in the moment, at all. I was there in a dark, scary place and someone even had the gull to ask, “where is your faith now?” they had no clue what this pit felt like. Don’t question people who are in this place, it only hurts the situation and digs the devastation further into their soul. BUT!! You will come out and LIVE again in beauty and wonder and you will thank God for the pit you were in. Remember Joseph was thrown into the pit and came out stronger and better, leading a Nation and forgiving his brothers. You too will come out and live to the fullest again.
So I sit here today looking out my window with a whole new lease and perspective on life. The same scenery that couldn’t break the darkness for me, is now shining and breathing new light into my soul. I’m living. Way beyond what I thought possible. It is beautiful. It is refreshing. It is the life God had for me all along. You will survive this and live again…but better and more beautiful. Believe for it!!